Florida Man/Woman- The Naked Files
Today we are going to try something new. If the readers like it this type of feature will appear once a week, typically on Sunday evening. If you enjoy this piece be sure to let us know so we can give you more.
Do you ever come across a really classic Florida Man or Woman story and think “hmmm, something about this seems familiar?” This is exactly what happened to me. While trudging through the internet at nearly 3am, I managed to find a series of stories that are completely unrelated but, taken together, seem to form a pattern. Today’s pattern is nakedness.
Over the last year we have experienced a number of naked Florida Man and Florida Woman stories. I get it, I really do. Some of out best moments in life are when we are naked. Being born. Having amazing sex. Taking a nice, long, hot shower. Eating cheesecake while reading vampire porn. Ok, maybe the last one is just me but you do get the point. There are times and places and situations where naked is a must.
The following are not those situations.
1- from avc.com 5/21/18
John Joseph Musso, 63, walking naked in a rainstorm while carrying cooking oil.
Mr. Musso was stopped by an officer who spotted him walking naked, in a rain storm, carrying a container of cooking oil. He attempted to flea but was caught. During the handcuffing procedure he managed to slip away again but was quickly caught once he was tased and fell to the ground.
Mr. Musso stated that he “received sexual gratification by being naked in public” and that he he had the cooking oil because he liked to rub it on his legs.
He was charged with loitering and prowling, lewd and lascivious behavior, resisting without violence, and exposure of sexual organs by the Santa Rosa County Sheriff’s Office.
The Fire Chanter
Cape Coral Police were in for a surprise with this call on Friday at 1:30 am (because that is such a normal hour). When they arrived at the location they observed a man, naked, in the front yard, holding a knife. He was dancing and chantimg in “an unknown language” around the fire. He then dropped the knife and grabbed a stick which he promptly began swinging at the officers while still chanting.
The police deduced that the naked, chanting suspect was likely on drugs, possibly psychedelic mushrooms. He also managed to throw a rock through a window of another property amidst his grooving out.
The officers “electronically subdued thensuspect”, which I think means they tased his dancing ass, and placed him in custody.
His charges included 2 charges of aggravated assault, 4 charges of aggravated assault on a Law Enforcement Officer, and 1 charge of criminal mischief.
His name and age were not included in the story.
3- from Miami News 12- August 2018
I-95, Miami. 6:30 pm. Sunday.
Drivers on that day were greeted with a treat. A man pulled over, exited his vehicle, stripped down naked, then began walking north in the southbound lane on the highway, against traffic.
Florida Highway Patrol and City of Miami Fire Rescue arrived on the scene. The man seemed confused, afraid, and disoriented. He claimed that something was “on his lap” in the vehicle and that this thing had choked him and tried to possess him. This was why he removed his clothing.
The man, unnamed in the article, admitted to having smoked crack and flakka earlier in the day.
He was Baker Acted and his name not released.
4- video available online- part 1, August 18, 2018. Story from wtsp.com News 10.
I-95. Miami. Again.
A man was spotted riding a bicycle down the interstate wearing only the following- hot pink socks and shoes, a headband, and a “string for underwear”.
While this was caught on camera there is no information that he had contact with the police on this day. But have no fear, he will be back.
5- You Gotta Have Cookies! 9/7/2018 from the Tallahassee Democrat.
In the town of Niceville, FL on a regular August day the fire department was directed to a home that had caught fire. The resident met first responders at the door of the flaming structure. You guessed it, he was naked.
The man was reported to appear “confused” and “apologetic”. The home appeared to be filled with smoke and several items were actively on fire. The man said “I’m sorry” them closed the door. It was stated that he “showed no signs of the danger he was in.” Clearly.
Responders entered the home to rescue the man and discovered the source of the fire. The innamed naked man had attempted to make cookies on a George Forman Grill. For the record I do not recommend using said grill for cookies although it does make some banging hamburgers. In his attempt to put out the blaze of cookie the man managed to set several other items on fire, including towels.
The man suffered burns but refused treatment (because why make sense now, right?). Responders discovered how this might have happened when the man explained that he had earlier smoked some marijuana and drank 2 liters of vodka. I know when I get baked and drink to kill myself the only thing I want are George Foreman Grill cookies en masse.
No charges were listed in this incident.
6- NBC 3 Las Vegas (love it when we make national news) 9/9/18 Stuart, FL.
Residents of this neighborhood in Stuart are irate. Livid. Fired the hell up. The problem they all face is a neighbor who does all his outdoor work in the nude. All of it. No matter what time of day, what day of the week. Always naked.
Residents are rightly concerned with the children of the neighborhood seeing this spectacle.
Police have been called numerous times to no avail. When they arrive at the home the man and his wife, also naked, stand out on the porch, naked, talking to the police. Police have advised that they cannot make him put clothes on as he is on his own property. Unless he begins “touching himself inappropriately” they claim they can do nothing. Neighbors have been told by police to “turn their heads”.
There are actually several articles about this situation, each getting progressively worse. At this time nothing has been resolved.
The man was asked for an interview but declined stating that he is a “private person”. You read that right. The man walking around naked as the day he was born in front of neighbors, police, and children claims to be a private person, just not with his privates, apparently.
I don’t typically root for one side but I hope the neighbors get a resolution. It is all fun and games until some poor kids gets an eye full of old balls and a shriveled dick. Oh and can you imagine the wife’s saggy boobs? Shiver. Those poor kids.
At this time no charges have been field and the couple remain naked.
7- from the Orlando Sentinel dated 9/14/2018
Flagler County, random Chik-Fil-A. 1:17 am on a Monday morning.
Who knows how Cory Hatzel’s night out began? Not me. The 30 year old Palm Coast resident did end up at this Chik-Fil-A parking lot. Since there isn’t a whole lot to do in a closed parking lot at that hour of the morning Cory had to get creative. He spotted a man riding a bike through this oddly busy parking lot. Them the game was afoot. He decided to start yelling at and harassing the man on the bike. He began chasing him. The man was on the phone with his girlfriend who arrived on the scene not long after.
What she walked in to was stunning. Mr. Hatzl was stripping off all his clothes and trying to fight the man on the bike.
When the police arrived Cory decided to yell and refuse to cooperate. Shocking since he seems like such a reasonable man.
Mr. Hatzl was charged with breach of peace and resisting without violence. The couple refused to press charges of indecent exposure.
8- Bongo Madness- ABC news 12 November 2018.
The Chattaway Restaurant was having some bad luck. They had suffered a break in. An officer with the St. Petersburg Police Department was busy going through their security tapes of the break-in on November 6th. This suspect ate some chicken wings, drank beer, and made off with property for damages over $500. But the officer found something else that caught his eye.
Unbelievably, the officer discovered another break-in on the previous night. The officer watches the tape as a completely different man rides a bike onto the property. The man circles the parking lot for about 10 minutes then slips in the back gate. The man opens up a shed on the property and brings out bongo drums. He slips into the bathroom and slips back out sans attire. Yep, you guessed the theme here, he was naked.
The man settles himself at a table and begins eating. Unlike the thief of the following night, this nocturnal adventurer brought his own nummies. Ramen noodles. He takes time out to play a little naked bongo jam.
Unlike the surprise guest of the following night, this man was neither charged or publicly identified as he didn’t take a thing. So remember next time, kiddies, that when you break into a restaurant to play naked bongos it is a wise idea to bring your own food.
9- Aspirations of becoming a real Florida man . Story from The Smoking Gun.
For Jason Tietz, 48, being a Minnesota Man was simply not good enough. A man has to have dreams. Boy howdy did he make a class A effort.
Mr. Tietz was staying at the Waterfront Hotel Zamora in St. Petersburg. Around 2pm he was spotted coming off the elevator to the roof deck area by a female staff member. He was naked. He proceeded to sit on the roof, naked and masturbating. The female employee went to get a male manager who confronted Tietz.
Mr. Teitz followed the manager until they reached the 4th floor where he took off and locked himself in his room. Visible on his nakedness would have been his very patriotic tattoos of an American flag, a bald eagle, and the year 1776. We all know how the founders loved whacking it in public (damn you Benjamin Franklin, you kinky fuck!). Those images are available on his Facebook page if you really need to see them.
But do not fall into a false sense of security that this man, driven to be naked and spank publicly, could be stopped so easily. I mean he was arrested here in St. Petersburg for the incident. He had been arrested several times in the previous few weeks. He got the “obnoxious drunk tourist” award when he was arreated on 1/3/2019 for refusing to leave the Beaxhcomber Beach Reaort bar in St. Petersburg. And to ensure that the naked monkey spanking was not an isolated incident, he was arreated in Sioux Falls, South Dakota on 12/15/2018 for exposing himself and masturbating in fromt of children. He picked up an indecent exposure and disorderly conduct for that adventure. Honestly, at this point, I’m amazed he wasn’t shot by an irate parent.
Jason Tietz, enjoy your “come on vacation, leave on probation” prize package.
10- online video- 2/12/2019 NBC Miami
An unidentified man enters the Walgreens in Oakland Park. He can be seen on video arguing with the employees. At some point he takes his clothes off inside the Walgreens and continues arguing with employees.
The man appears to be older but is not identified to the public. Broward County Sheriff’s Deputies arrive. The man is Baker Acted.
11- Continuation of #4- Return of the naked bicycle rider
On or about March 5th, 2019, the naked or near naked biker was once again spotted and filmed riding his bicycle down I-95 in Miami. He was wearing “hot pink shoes and socks, a headband, and pink underwear”.
He remains unidentified and was apparently “riding the bicycle the normal way”. I am completely confounded by that statement.
12- from the Destin Log 3/19/2019
A unnamed 26 year old male from Inlet Beqch was driving on Highway 98 in Bay County. For reasons known only to himself, the man pulled over, abandoned his vehicle, stripped naked, and began walking to Walton County. He was stopped by the Florida Highway Patrol and Bay County assisted. He was taken into custody and transported to a local hospital. It appears he was on drugs but no type was named. He remains unnamed and no charges were listed.
Apparently Florida highways are cat nip for naked dudes who just want to take a stroll.
13- Florida Woman wants her shot at naked fame. Story from investigationdiscovery.com 4/11/2019 Melbourne, FL
Guettie Belizaire, 39, worked at the Brookshire Assisted Living Facility. It is not stated what her job title was. It really isn’t even important what he job was because she had another job in mind.
Ms. Belizaire was found naked, in a patient’s room on the early morning of 12/13/2018. The male patient in the room claimed that she had “sexually battered” him. A subsequent DNA test confirmed the male patient’s story.
She was charged with lewd and lascivious molestation of an elderly person and abuse of an elderly person.
14- Pasco County Triple Play Florida Woman Style- story from amp.thedailycaller.com dated 4/12/2019.
There is a lovely rest area on I-75 by Wesley Chapel in Pasco County. Last Wednesday, a worker spotted 3 nude women on the property. When police arrived the women appeared to be putting on sun lotion. The officer asked what they were doing and they responded “air drying”. (As Van Wilder’s assistant says, you have to “air dry that shit.”)
The 3 young women then ran to the car, got in, and sped off. The officer gave chase but backed off the chase as it was getting too dangerous. A second trooper spotted the car and gave chase. The woman was driving “erratically and dangerously”. The trooper deployed a StarChase projectile (look it up, it is pretty neat) and backed off.
The women, having started westbound on State Road 52, were spotted at a convenience store where the officers attempted to arrest them. The driver attempted to run down an officer with the vehicle. More chase ensued. Officers were finally able to stop the vehicle by using a P.I.T. maneuver.
The women decided to resist arrest by locking arms together and refusing to exit the vehicle. They were then tased. At that point the 3 were taken into custody.
The 3 women, 18 year old driver Oasis McLeod, and passengers 19 year old Jeniyah McLeod and Cecilia Young face an array of charges including fleeing to elude, resisting arrest, and aggravated assault. Upon last check they remain in the Pasco County Jail at Land O’ Lakes.
15- “Babycakes” early April 2019, Fort Meyers. Story from NBC2.
Irving “Babycakes” Howard, 69, a well known Fort Meyers homeless man, walked into Lee Memorial Hospital at approximately 3:41 am. There were police already on the scene for a separate incident. He approached the officers but they told him to leave. He complied.
Yeah, no way is it that easy.
Mere moments later, Babycakes walks right back in the door. Naked. He tells the officers “I’m ready to go”. The officers ask him where his clothes are to which he responds “I don’t know”.
Mr. Howard was taken into custody for indecent exposure.
There is slightly more to the story, however. Apprently NBC2 did an investigation on Mr. Howars and his time spent in jail. It turns out that Mr. Howard is a big time frequent flyer. In the 2017 investigation, NBC 2 learned that he had cost taxpayers some $300,000 from being jailed, mostly on low-level crimes. In 2017 alone he spent 70% of the year behind bars to the tune of $114,000. To house an inmate for one year costs $200,000. Since that 2017 investigation he has been arrested 18 more times, including this naked display at the hospital. All told, Babycakes had been arrested some 227 times.
There was some effort on the part of the local government and law enforcement to seem if they could manage or change the situation. They considered passing a new law (but there was no specific mention of any language in that proposed law). So far nothing has been done.
Meanwhile, we have to wonder where Mr. Howard will turn up naked again. Clearly he knows exactly what to do to get arrested. Worked like a charm at the hospital.
16- Naked Rake Attack. Story from WFLA News 8. Undated.
New Port Richey, Pasco County.
Bill and Crystal Colwell’s day was running about normal. The couple were at home when a stranger, Maurice Castaneda, naked as the day he was born, entered their home.
Bill shoved the naked intruder out into the yard where the man grabs a rake. Mr. Castaneda begins assaulting Bill with the rake. Now just about anyone would be pissed off if a naked stranger comes in their home and begins beating them with a rake. Bill and Crystal are no exception.
Initially, Crystal tried to hand Bill a hatchet.
He declined that weapon in favor of a hammer. He began to land blows on Me. Castaneda pretty effectively. Suddenly deciding that getting beaten to death In a stranger’s yard with a hammer whole you are naked is not a great idea, the suspect fled the scene. He grabbed his boxers from a nearby swamp where he had apparently left them and escaped.
With the use of a K9 and a helicopter, the suspect was found fairly quickly.
He was booked into the Land O’ Lakes jail on charges of burglary, battery, and assault.
He should be lucky Bill didn’t grab the hatchet.
When I gathered this collection of stories I was excited about the common thread- nakedness. It seems it is handled differently from place to place within the state as well as on a case by case basis. Someone suffering from some sort of mental health situation is likely to not be charged but rather Baker Acted. Some people have an odd fetish about being naked. Apparently drugs don’t make you like wearing clothes. Sometimes you just know what button to push to get what you want. I know I will be keeping my eyes peeled at rest stops and on the highway. I have seen men walking down the road in bikinis but never someone just bare to the world. Imagine what chaos that would cause on 19 during rush hour!
One issue I had was with the old man doing naked stuff in his lawn. Children should never be exposed to naked adults. I believe the police in that case are dead wrong. If someone is naked where children can see them then they need to be arrested. Kids do not need that in their life. Were I a parent in that neighborhood I would be just as irate.
I hope you enjoyed my Naked Florida Man and Woman compilation. I look forward to doing more. It boggles the mind to think of what connections and trends I can find.
Have a great week and enjoy whatever time you get to be naked. (Don’t tell but I’m nakes right now….. under my clothes!)